In the past few days, I found myself caught in the midst of a power struggle unfolding around the execution of high-value projects within our gated community. The management association, responsible for overseeing our community buildings, has unfortunately lost the trust of its residents due to a lack of transparency in financial matters. This has led to a surge in communication, with a barrage of emails exchanged between residents and the association board members
On yet another occasion, during a client presentation, my focus was repeatedly disrupted by one of the client partners. This proved to be a source of frustration, but I felt powerless to shield myself from such challenging individuals.
I have had similar experiences in social circles when certain people where certain individuals consistently provoke irritation and leave me feeling annoyed.
During all the above situations, I experienced getting angry, frustrated, judgmental, and a host of feelings I could not decipher. But it was translating into stress, which I knew was detrimental to my wellbeing. In the past, I have felt similar emotions while reacting to toxic situations at work. I would come out of meetings which felt toxic, argumentative, and not worth spending time at.
These emotions drained my energy levels and, for two days following the event, I hated to do anything constructive as they also hindered my ability to think clearly. I pushed myself to work and stay engaged in work, but it wasn’t easy. Any attempt to think clearly failed. I would find it difficult to manage these emotions, but do nothing about it. Thinking it would disappear with time, and I would be fine again.
Recognizing the need for change, I sought the assistance of a coach to help me manage these emotions and develop the capacity to accept circumstances while experiencing the associated feelings. It became evident that my habitual response was reactive, contributing to stress and an unhealthy environment.
Reacting to Situations Emotionally
“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear”? ~ Lao Tzu
My coach helped me understand that I was reacting to situations. Mindfulness of my emotions during these moments allowed me to pause and respond more thoughtfully, leading to a more composed and confident approach.
A reaction is the root cause for distress, unclear thinking, and creating a toxic environment. When you respond, it would be a more rounded, controlled, and confident you responding to a situation.
Expectation Trap Causing Emotional Turbulence
“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ~ Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon
The root of my frustration and anger, as I discovered, lay in unmet expectations. Like everyone else, I held expectations for my surroundings, relationships, work, and various aspects of life. The intensity of my emotional responses depended on the degree of attachment to these expectations. In times when expectations were unmet, frustration ensued, occasionally leading to self-blame for perceived failures.
Most times, I would blame myself for not meeting expectations. Sometimes I thought I had failed completely and I did not have the ability to meet my own expectations.
To mitigate these emotional storms, I learned to lower my expectations, thereby gaining greater control over the intensity and frequency of my emotional reactions.
Acceptance
“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” ~ Michael J Fox
I remember Marshall Goldsmith’s article Can You Let Go?. Marshall talks about how acceptance of certain people, or situations, helps to liberate us from toxic emotions.
I have now learned the art of acceptance. I have lowered my expectations and am mindful of my emotions when responding to certain situations or people. I, therefore, am more controlled and do not react.
Lessons Learned
A pivotal lesson emerged from this journey—learning to be mindful of my emotions and embracing a pause before responding. While it initially required practice and patience, this newfound approach has empowered me to navigate similar situations with a positive response, preventing emotions from becoming a source of stress.